in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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