Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
