well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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