Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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