i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
