there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize