my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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