we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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