I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
