Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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