My hand turned me down
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
