i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
