We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
