I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We left an ass print on the piano.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
