what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
