So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
