grandma shit on top of the toilet
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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