I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
