Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
