Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
