Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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