wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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