she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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