He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
