Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
