We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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