Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
