I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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