dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
