masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
