It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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