i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
