nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.