Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
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Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
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I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.