he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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