he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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