maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
