u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Randomize
