I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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