Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I smell like Dick and happiness
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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