i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
