Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
