dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
