I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
