I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
