shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
