I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So much rum. So many feels.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
