i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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