omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
