a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it's like iHOP with fire
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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