you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
