If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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