The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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