I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
