After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
