new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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