There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
