and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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