you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
