I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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