Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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